Big Fish

If my gut is not wrong, there’s an Adolf Eichmann situation brewing in my neighborhood. The kind that’s written about in lame fiction, praising the cleverness of CMI or something like that. My concern is not the glory of kidnapping a big war criminal here. I am thinking of the money that such things always have stuck in the cracks of its walls.

When a well fed dude surfaces in your area, complete with a beautiful wife and beautiful kids to boot, what are you expected to think? That’ not all, by the way; this guy, with his well fed stomach and well fed wife and kids are living in a house that is def not to their standard. They are living in a one room house. Shack, I mean.

Now I could say that he is one of the unlucky businessmen who make stupid decisions every now and then and that he has fallen on hard times. But I have also seen the gold watch he spots and the gold chain around his neck. Maybe he has a gold tooth, like Fiddy, only that he rarely smiles. Dude is straight off the lawn at Kampala Club. If he had to walk into a VIP club anywhere in town, he’d not be asked for identification. If he was riding in your car and a traffic cop flagged you down, chances are that he’d let you go when he spots this dude in your passenger seat. He’s like that. Government written all over him.

Kati you know how that German guy was kidnapped in Argentina in 1960. The Israelis just did not let up until they had got their big fish. Even when the rest of the world tried to forget about Auschwitz, these people did not.

When I look around, I can only see one place where atrocities happened in the not so far off past. Yeah, Rwanda.

What if this guy is some evil genius who masterminded the radio programmes? Maybe he’s the guy who wrote the scripts and coined the term Inyenze. Maybe…

maybe i am just riding on the wave of bad movies made by guys like Michael Moore.

Video news

Where are the naked Obsessions cupping their boobs? Did they bow to public pressure? Even after those girls from Hot 100 pulled off that stunt, The Obsessions feared? I mean, that Hot 100 stunt was something you can’t pull off that easily in Rio.

Shakira can actually sing a love song. Without shaking that thing of hers. Saw this video and I did a double take. It was so different from the Whenever, Whatever image I had come to associate with her. It was in some language I couldn’t understand so I won’t lie. But I can imagine what she was singing…

Is there a crazier singer than John Reuben? I mean apart from the Sex Pistols and their three fans who thought smashing their guitars was so cool (that is retro, kale). Seriously, someone should give that guy a head check. He’s so drunk on Jesus…I want some of that. I want to be like John Reuben.

Did Bebe Cool stick out his tongue in the Gunz and Bombs vid? Like really, really stick out his tongue?

The chick in the Let me Hold You video, yeah that one, isn’t she a spitting image of Jada, that model from Yeyo soap? Maybe I was high on something anyway.

One of the chicks in Priscilla Kalibbala’s video for Dancing wiggles her behind so hard, her bum line shows throughout the song. Somehow I don’t think that’s what she really intended. Probably the director, maybe Don saw this and decided to keep it coz it would entice all those Kenyans who absolutely adore Ugandan chicks. It has been said that Kenyan women move around with blinders when they are with their men. When there is a Ugandan chick in the area, sirens go off and out come the blinders and onto the eyes of their men. Of course all this is unconfirmed. Dancing is full of hot Ugandan babes and its showing on East Africa TV.

After the success of Seanice’s swimsuit and Juliana’s voice in All I Wanna Know, the next video Klear Kut makes should be shot at the poolside at Kampala Club. Its safe now, the politicians don’t come out to play anymore because they realized that they had been infiltrated. They realized that they were soon going to make the fashion police page and that’s not a good thing if you are waiting for Sevo to throw you a hefty post in government.

In other news, the computer spell checker insists that the name Shakira should be Shaker. Ti byange.

Checking in...

Hullo my peeps. Everyone having a good time? You better be becoz this here thingy we call life is so unreliable. There's so little time to have any hangups.

Kale, i dont know why i am even writing this. Must be something in the caviar.

Last day in Eden

(Overheard by one of the Seraphim that guard The Garden)

Eve: …so as I was sayin, dude, like that ka strange creature you named, the…
Adam: Serpent?
Eve: Yeah, yeah, that one…
Adam: I always knew you hated him. You’re always forgetting his name.
Eve: Dude, this is my story. Just shut up and listen.
Adam: Kale, go in face.
Eve: Yeah, as I was sayin, that creature, he was up there the whole time while I was under the tree. I didn’t even know he was up there. He’s one sneaky mother, ight?
Adam: What have you done to my wife? These days you speak a language I just don’t understand.
Eve: You are so local. If it’s too hard understanding me, get yourself a dictionary.
Adam: Will do. There are some cool ones they’ve brought at Aristoc. That gives me a chance to go there and see the new extension they’ve built without being counted as one of the mall rats, y’know wha’m sayin?
Eve: Yeah, yeah, whatever, Pancho. That serpawhatshisface has this real cool idea. That’s why I’m here anyway. I told you this morning, I didn’t want to see you till nightfall. Till you work on your staying power issues anyway.
Adam: He’s one of the wise ones. What does he think?
Eve: He’s one of the wise ones… Can’t you be a man for once? What happened to guys like Bruce Willis? Man, Bruce would never say stuff like that. You are a disgrace to men everywhere.
Adam: But I take it you did not come here to tell me about Die Hard.
Eve: Dude, pass the spliff already.
Adam: (long drag and he shakes his dreds like Bob Marley before he passes the spliff). So my darling wife, what did the serpent say?
Eve: He says The Big G’s just playing us, man. That he’s just being selfish. I an’ I don want us to touch de Tree.
Adam: Dats wicked. Dats massive. You said Bomboclat to him, ight?
Eve: Actually, I didn’t. At that moment, I was taking a crap and I haven’t learnt to laugh and shit at the same time. Besides, what’s so funny? Has Celtel bought out those MTN braggarts yet? And for the record, I don’t like Chameleone or his weasly brother.
Adam: Well?
Eve: Mbu the moment we eat of the Tree, we shall know all sorts of cool things; like how to make the TV switch itself on whenever we feel like we want to watch some Digi, like to know who fouled the air at the dinner table, like to know the thoughts running through the minds of guys when they look down the blouses of women bending to pick something or trying to go to the back seat in the matatu.
Adam: That’s easy, I know what I think.
Eve: Shut up, you… thing.
Adam: Seriously, that sounds like a plot. So we’d know how to get out of this garden with its constant smiling faces and rotting undergrowth. What is KCC doing, anyway? Why do we even vote for these guys? The place is stinking and they only come to get their dime.
Eve: Yup!
Adam: So let’s go and get some, woman.
Eve: Use that word one more time and imma get all the Women’s movements in the world on your behind, you will wish this is a dream. Have you ever seen Silvia Tamale angry? Not those things nga she’s playing for the press?
Adam: Okay, can we go get some apple?
Eve: We don’t have to; I have some right here with me.
Adam: How, where? We are naked. We don’t wear Levis and ties and jackets like Baz. Where are you keeping the apple?
Eve: In my #$^*%^$(** (scrambled script: Children reading).
Adam: Eugh!!!
Eve: Last night you didn’t say eugh!
Adam: Kale, me first. I’m the head of the house.
Eve: Yeah, whatever.
Adam, Eve: Crunch, Chomp, Crunch, Crunch

(That evening…)
Adam: Hmmm! Eve, what a fine bod you’ve got there.
Eve: So you are actually excited about me. Was wondering why you are so happy. Men! Only one thing on their mind.

(Much later that evening)
The Big G: Adam, Adam…
Adam: We are so busted.
Eve: Are we there yet? (Sorry, that’s Donkey’s line. Not included in this crazy tale. And don’t tell him).

Hold on to your baby

This is really a bad time to be a parent in Uganda. Kids have been disappearing increasingly of late and the problem seems to be one of those unsolvable ones where the police is “still investigating” for ever.

At first the stories went along the lines mbu ‘the road,’ meaning the northern by-pass which is being constructed now, wanted 1000 kids. This sorry belief still persists even when we have moved this far. People still want to believe that some unseen powers within a road, a building, a car hold the key to their success and unless they appease them with the life of some innocent kid, they are bound for failure.

This dad was captured on radio crying his guts out because his son had been found dead in some bush. The murderers had not even cut off the obligatory parts that we have come to expect when these kidnappings happen. They probably changed their minds about sacrificing this little man but they did not think it was important to return him home to his heartbroken parents.

Then again, it has been said that the kids are actually being smuggled to Arabia to be slaves.

Whatever the truth is, I don’t envy parents at this moment.