Last day in Eden

(Overheard by one of the Seraphim that guard The Garden)

Eve: …so as I was sayin, dude, like that ka strange creature you named, the…
Adam: Serpent?
Eve: Yeah, yeah, that one…
Adam: I always knew you hated him. You’re always forgetting his name.
Eve: Dude, this is my story. Just shut up and listen.
Adam: Kale, go in face.
Eve: Yeah, as I was sayin, that creature, he was up there the whole time while I was under the tree. I didn’t even know he was up there. He’s one sneaky mother, ight?
Adam: What have you done to my wife? These days you speak a language I just don’t understand.
Eve: You are so local. If it’s too hard understanding me, get yourself a dictionary.
Adam: Will do. There are some cool ones they’ve brought at Aristoc. That gives me a chance to go there and see the new extension they’ve built without being counted as one of the mall rats, y’know wha’m sayin?
Eve: Yeah, yeah, whatever, Pancho. That serpawhatshisface has this real cool idea. That’s why I’m here anyway. I told you this morning, I didn’t want to see you till nightfall. Till you work on your staying power issues anyway.
Adam: He’s one of the wise ones. What does he think?
Eve: He’s one of the wise ones… Can’t you be a man for once? What happened to guys like Bruce Willis? Man, Bruce would never say stuff like that. You are a disgrace to men everywhere.
Adam: But I take it you did not come here to tell me about Die Hard.
Eve: Dude, pass the spliff already.
Adam: (long drag and he shakes his dreds like Bob Marley before he passes the spliff). So my darling wife, what did the serpent say?
Eve: He says The Big G’s just playing us, man. That he’s just being selfish. I an’ I don want us to touch de Tree.
Adam: Dats wicked. Dats massive. You said Bomboclat to him, ight?
Eve: Actually, I didn’t. At that moment, I was taking a crap and I haven’t learnt to laugh and shit at the same time. Besides, what’s so funny? Has Celtel bought out those MTN braggarts yet? And for the record, I don’t like Chameleone or his weasly brother.
Adam: Well?
Eve: Mbu the moment we eat of the Tree, we shall know all sorts of cool things; like how to make the TV switch itself on whenever we feel like we want to watch some Digi, like to know who fouled the air at the dinner table, like to know the thoughts running through the minds of guys when they look down the blouses of women bending to pick something or trying to go to the back seat in the matatu.
Adam: That’s easy, I know what I think.
Eve: Shut up, you… thing.
Adam: Seriously, that sounds like a plot. So we’d know how to get out of this garden with its constant smiling faces and rotting undergrowth. What is KCC doing, anyway? Why do we even vote for these guys? The place is stinking and they only come to get their dime.
Eve: Yup!
Adam: So let’s go and get some, woman.
Eve: Use that word one more time and imma get all the Women’s movements in the world on your behind, you will wish this is a dream. Have you ever seen Silvia Tamale angry? Not those things nga she’s playing for the press?
Adam: Okay, can we go get some apple?
Eve: We don’t have to; I have some right here with me.
Adam: How, where? We are naked. We don’t wear Levis and ties and jackets like Baz. Where are you keeping the apple?
Eve: In my #$^*%^$(** (scrambled script: Children reading).
Adam: Eugh!!!
Eve: Last night you didn’t say eugh!
Adam: Kale, me first. I’m the head of the house.
Eve: Yeah, whatever.
Adam, Eve: Crunch, Chomp, Crunch, Crunch

(That evening…)
Adam: Hmmm! Eve, what a fine bod you’ve got there.
Eve: So you are actually excited about me. Was wondering why you are so happy. Men! Only one thing on their mind.

(Much later that evening)
The Big G: Adam, Adam…
Adam: We are so busted.
Eve: Are we there yet? (Sorry, that’s Donkey’s line. Not included in this crazy tale. And don’t tell him).