Now I know my A B C…

A – Ani akumanyi? Hit from Grace, Gatimo and Paragon. I know, its not really the latest beat doing the rounds but, hey, you gotta admit, that song was so Ugandan. I mean, how many peeps do you know who go around doing nothing but brag about what they’ve got. I mean, what their daddy has got?

B – Besigye. I do not know that man, Besigye, I did not have…any dealings with him.

C – Crosshairs. To get in the gun sights of the Americans, let me say this…I know where OSAMA is hiding. The WORLD TRADE CENTRE and 9/11 were inside jobs. The CIA is not all that. I know. Pointless stuff that is neither here nor there. But right now, one bored CIA analyst is reading this blog and will soon be reading all the Ugandan blogs. Man, those guys need to live a little. Life’s not that serious.

D – Disco. Do people still say that? ‘s far as I know, not even in the farthest corner of Ibulanku will you find people saying disco.

E – The Energy Ministry of Uganda. That’s the place to work these days. Its not MTN or Shell or Terp anymore. It is in energy. Y’know, oil…A very high person is out of the country reading oil related studies. And he did something completely different at campus. When he returns, I see him being appointed PS of the yet to be created Ministry of Oil.

F – Fat Boy. James Onen has lived up to his radio moniker. He is larger than life and all those who don’t listen to him in the morning have twisted days.

G – Google. The guys holding onto my millions. Until I get tired with living in dusty Uganda, then I’ll go and take what’s mine. Oh, and they own blogger too.

H – Hot and cold. Ndugu Rugunda and others like him can’t be trusted. One respects them for being principled and they suddenly turn around and kick us in the teeth. When that guy starts talking, you think he can even reason with the president about some things. I don’t even want to remember that stormy day in parliament when he stood there and justified stupidity. Dude! Even a military junta can pull off that stunt at the court (Black Snakes? Black Monkeys? Black Mambas?) with more style. And this is not a military junta.

I – Intelligence. What you get when you read the Ugandan blogosphere. This motley crew is so funny, so witty, so neurotic, you can't leave without being impacted. Every morning, I come here to read what others are thinking and I come away with an idea that I believe makes a difference. Man, they just too many...

J – Justice Ogoola. Guy who enjoys saying huge words the media loves to pick up. Pure hyperbole. But the Black Mambas are not that impressed.

K – Kenya. The home of kenyanchick, Acolyte, Modathi,m and Kibaki. The other country that Ugandans will run to when things get really hot in here. And when they return, they’ll say they’ve been in Iraq. Or Juba.

L – Life Guard. Could be the hunk at the beach or just a simple piece of latex used in Uganda. Play on words.

M – Marriage. A whole new ball game.

N – Njagala k’kumanya. Once upon a time, there was Wipolo. We danced around the pool at Prime Time with Okudi and felt like a billion Museveni dollars. Then came Beera Nange and even the first family started requesting for private performances from Babirye. Now we have Mukama Njagala k’kumanya by Wilson Bugembe and it’s still on TV, not yet at the taxi park but one can see the trend.

O – Letter O. Dumbest song I’ve heard in a long time. And we just love it.

P – Phoenix. As in “Cowboy, never dies/ if he dies never rots/ if he rots, never smells…The writers who always reinvent themselves and wow you all over again. Austin Ejiet, Lilliane Barenzi, David Tumusiime, Brian Magoba, Musaazi Namiti, Phoebe Mutetsi, Tony Owana, Angela Kintu, Nathan Magoola, Esther Namugoji, Emmanuel Senkware, Michael Akiyo, Gwyne Dyer, Angela Kintu, John Grisham…

Q – Quiz. What you go through when you want a new job. Easy questions you’d answer without even thinking in any other setting but when you face the panel, even one of people you know personally, the answers suddenly go AWOL!

R – Reno Raines. The renegade. As in, when you want to take matters into your hands and cause change. When the state comes down on you, you better be ready to go the whole nine yards. Gasiya Tu!

S – S-Club 7 of Uganda. Learnt that from Ernest as he ranted about a hip-hop PAMA (ouch!) won by a certain group back in the day yet they did not know the first thing about hip-hop.

T – Tear Gas. Also called Tiya Gaasi by Bukedde, Uganda’s leading daily. (I don’t think The New Vision sells as many copies. When you go to town in the morning do you find dudes eating katogo while they read their New Vision and wait for the cobbler to shine their shoes? I didn’t think so). Anyway, back to Tiya Gaasi; it’s the latest method through which state violence is metted out. Those who’ve experienced it all say it’s not exactly the best way to spend your weekend in town.

U – Undercover. Also called moonlighting. When you write for every publication in the country and even cross borders. The art of writing with different personalities and your readers can't make the connection.

V – Virus. The little critter has millions dying everyday and we acquire it through the purest, most tricky way. Talking about HIV, stupid.

W – Watoto. Those kids’ testimonies have always sounded corny to me since those ‘Holy Spirit’ filled days at campus. Every time one of them steps forward with a wide smile, I just can’t suppress the feeling that the poor thing has no choice because should he mess up his lines, he’s gonna have a sore butt for days after. But all that vanishes when they start singing. Those kids have voices to die for.

X – Xenson. Strange dude. He’s the guy who goes around spray painting walls in Kampala. Well, he’s the only one I’ve seen doing it. Probably the only one crazy enough to do it. He graduated top of his class but decided he wanted to live according to his own rules. He threw out foreign shirts, pants and shoes and made his own. Oh, and that’s not all, everything that comes into his head, he believes he can do. So he goes out and does it; film, photography, calligraphy, fashion design, Cultural Revolution…dude reminds me of 27th. I can imagine him at his home hollering, “emancipate yourself from mental slavery…”

Y – Yes! That’s Us. The company that employs Don Mugisha, Uganda’s own Steven Spielberg in the making. It made the movie DivizionZ, which was co produced by our very own Nate. They also make fantastic videos. Have you seen Kube, the hit by the East African Bashment Crew?

Z – Zawedde. Sarah Zawedde has come a long way but I bet the journey’s been worth it. There was a time when she was chasing journos to do write-ups on her and we didn’t see anything to write about. With, Kambeere Naawe, see who’s chasing now.